Babies....Puppies...and Memories.

So...Heather and I went to the mall the other day and there were SOOO many babies. It was kind of depressing actually. Heather and I want one sooo bad but...we'll figure it all out. So... first i have to tell you about my dog I had growing up. Luke. He was the sweetest dog and he loved me like no other dog has before. He was a small lab. He didn't come up higher than my knee, but he was my dog. He would protect me and was always there for me. Well, then I had to move. My dad said I couldn't take Luke with me so he gave him to a work friend... Well....That was the last time I heard from Luke despite several tries to find him. I missed my dog. Well...Heather and I always look on craigslist for one reason or another and a few days ago there was a posting about a small black lab. The picture posted looked just like Luke. I didn't say anything to Heather about it at first figuring he'd be gone and too big for us. But Heather knew anyways. I got to a breaking point the other day because I missed Luke. I cried while Heather held me and I cried for a while after she went to sleep. I just...missed my dog you know? i missed not having to speak my problems aloud and i missed having someone here to talk to while Heather is at work. Well yesterday Heather caught me looking at the dogs add again. I told her it was too far to go get her. She said to email her anyways... So i did... and now...we have Bella..but we're thinking about renaming her Lucille. She's really sweet and loving and low maintenance. I have yet to decide if Bella Lucy is actually a dog or not... We got her yesterday afternoon and she hasn't barked, peed, pooed, or fetched. She does sleep and eat and drink tho... I think she's still nervous. I am completely spoiled rotten. I love Heather with all I have and all I am. I don't miss Luke as much. I'll always miss him but Bella is seeming to help with that. I think Bella will help with our Babies everywhere thing. We want our family sooo bad and I just can't wait for us to have our family. But I thank Heather for always knowing me. She's absolutely amazing and perfect for me. She's my world.... But you guys already know that...In case you haven't noticed.... I'm completely in love with Heather.

Jess out to get food!

Car Show!

Jess here!! I get to go to a car show!! I get to go to a car show!!! Yes, I'm one of those crazy girls who LOVE car shows. I'm definitely my Daddy's girl in that retrospect. Its 88 degrees here and Heather's at work so no beach for me .... yet! I get to go tomorrow though. I'm excited. Heather says we can play in the water too!!! EEEKS!!! So, if you haven't noticed I'm a big kid. I even twirl around when I have a skirt or dress. But then again it's amazingly fun. I know its probably a little immature and stupid of me to do so, but I figure we have one life. Live it up have fun and be yourself. And me? I'm a little on the crazy side...well...more of completely, but its all good! I love being me. I'm so thankful that Heather lets me be myself without ever trying to change or scrutinize me for being me. She is so amazing. She is always encouraging me to do what I want. She is the reason I'm a published poet. Because of her, I can honestly say I'm here. I have my share of skeletons in my closet, but I have found my way to be myself and forget what others say. Heather has always been there for me supporting me and encouraging me to be me. She was my light for a very long time while we were best friends, but she helped me to find my own light. I can be who I am and truly let both myself and my relationship flourish. Heather has a saying that you can't be happy with someone until you're happy within yourself. When I wasn't happy I was detrimental to the relationships: friendships and exs. Heather truly helped me come to terms with who I am and stop my endless questioning of why people didn't like me. Heather supported me through all my crazy thoughts and crazy notions. She truly loves me for me. And i her. but....sorry for my tangent...I do that alot when it comes to Heather see...she's my world. But anyways... Mother's day is kinda bittersweet for us this year. We want to be mothers so bad and the fact we're not just kinda taunts us. While we just started the hole ttc process and stuff... i guess we just don't do anything half butted. We throw everything we have to get what we want. Its pretty awesome because at least then no matter the income we can always at the very least say we gave it our full try. I'm sorry my ramblings don't always make since but it does in my head...well...I'm going to stop insulting you guy's time with crazy ramblings of me... and go get ready to get Heather from work!!

YAY its almost time for her to get off and be home with me!!!

Jess

Its so pretty outside today. Wish I were at the beach. I'm so excited cause Jess is off on Saturday and I am too so we are going to a car show and then to the beach. Tonight I am fixing dinner and we are going to do dinner and a movie date. I am trying to cheer her up. I know she has been having a hard time at work and she feels guilty talking to me about it because of everything I have going on, but I want her to tell me everything, I can handle it and I just want her happy. She has a job interview tomorrow at 9:30 and I am so excited for her. I hope she gets it,if that's what she wants and it will make her happy. I hate that she is miserable at work. In other news I am SO excited because Jess and I FINALLY scheduled a trip together. Now this isn't just a regular trip this is a trip to take my grandmother (the one who is very sick) gambling. Now I know most of you are probably puzzled but let me explain. My nanny and I started going to Alabama to a casino there right after I turned 19. She loves to play slot machines and I loved spending time with her. It became a special time we spent together even though we could only go a couple of times a year. No one has ever went with us it has always been us two and we would spend all day there and go to lunch together. It is some one of my favorite memories with her. I am extremely excited because this will be the first time Jess has met my nanny. So not only will my two favorite women in the world be in the same room with me, but I get to spend the weekend with them, and share one of my favorite memories with Jess. AND the whole thing was my grandmother's idea! Of course she doesn't know that Jess and I are together (its complicated) but she does know that Jess is a huge part of my life and that we are best friends. Its a huge deal for me to have them together, especially with my nanny being so sick as much as I hate to even think this, it could be the last chance I have to take her. Honestly this is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. Life has been hard lately, For Jess and I both. It just seems like everything that could go wrong has. And yes I know I am having a pity party for one today but sometimes a girl just needs to wallow. I am just getting so boggled down by life. I get so excited at the idea of having a baby with Jess and then at the same time it breaks my heart to know that she will never have a chance to know my nanny. The woman who raised me, the woman who made me the person I am today. I will make sure my child hears all of the stories that my nanny told me and I hope that I can be as good as a mother as she is to me.

Work, Fear, and Hope

SO...Jess here... I know this sounds kind of petty because hey...I have a job... But... When I'm at the job, I feel like the walls are crushing in. The management has become almost unbearable. Its almost like no one there cares. Heather's so amazing throughout everything. She's going through so much right now and for her to give me such unyielding support is amazing. She is always here for me with open arms. No matter what she's been dealt that day, she's always here to listen to me vent, and cry about my petty problems. I feel horrible because I feel like I'm only adding to her stress. She's soo strong to be going through everything life throws at her and yet not get mad at me for freaking out about the little petty work shit that I'm dealing with. I'm scared that...well...I'm scared of a lot of things. I know in my heart that everything will work out perfectly. Its just getting there you know? I mean.....Am I a horrible wife for being scared? For wanting to help Heather in anyway possible, I just... I think that I'm horrible because I feel like I can't do anything to help. I have started looking for a new job and I hope I'll be happier. I finished reading one of my research books to further our "getting our ducks in a row" theme that Heather and I are pretty consistent on. The book was mainly saying that communication was the key to having a well rounded, well adjusted child from LGBT family. I think that Heather and my communication levels (we talk about EVERYTHING...from our goals to our fears to ...just everything) will only help our child to be well adjusted. I hope that our child will know that we love and support her or him with absolute ness. We just want them to be happy and healthy. Other than those two things, we really don't care if they are LGBT or Hetero or anything. Yes, there will be challenges, but what would life be without challenges? It'll be all good! I'm so excited. But ....that's a secret...well..sorta. Lol. I have high hopes. I know it will all work out!

Well, I am off to go eat breakfast with my wonderful Wife! YAY lasagna!

Most of all... My love for my wife grows everyday and you are my world!

I love you Heather!

Jess signing out.

Babies, Babies everywhere!

Jess and I finally had a day off together to spend with each other. We ran some errands and did some shopping. It seemed like everywhere we looked there were babies, or women who were expecting. I had never noticed this before Jess and I seriously started the whole TTC thing. Now every time I turn my head there is a baby or a mother who is absolutely glowing. So I have been feeling extremely over-whelmed with family issues (My grandmother,who raised me, is very sick and still the strongest women I know at 82, however its becoming very apparent that she is going downhill very quickly and its not a reality I can face yet.) and Jess being the amazing wife that she is has been so supportive of me. I have been having anxiety attacks and depression and the littlest thing makes me cry. I dont know what I would do without her. Just another example of how perfect she is for me. So we have decided to try and do our first insemination in August. Thats just a estimate or a goal that we set for ourselves. We have to save up and do more research and all but we set the goal and we are going to try and keep it. We are so excited about the whole idea. We have already came up with the name if it is a girl...Kyleigh Frances (Frances after both of our grandmothers) and if its a boy...well we have no idea. LOL. We will get there. We further our research and went to the local library and found several books on the childs point of view of being raised by gay parents and so on. We are both reading these just to help us learn how to prepare our child with the reality that wasnt their choice. We are so excited about bringing a baby into our home but saddened that the world isnt as accepting as they should be. Its hard for us to understand why people care so much who you date. Why cant LOVE just be LOVE? We are going to teach our son or daughter that Love is just that and it doesnt matter who you love as long as they treat you well and youre happy. Thats all that should matter in our eyes, but what do we know we are just two girls who are in LOVE. We are nervous about bringing a child into a political war when we ourselves are not political but we are doing plenty of research on our rights as mothers and as a gay couple.

Trying to get our ducks in a row...

The thought of having a child has crossed our minds several times in the last month or so, both of us have always wanted to have children, however we were a little nervous about bringing a baby into a world where there is so much hate revolved around same-sex couples. After much thought and discussion around the subject we both knew in our hearts that we wanted a family together and that we should not be denied the right to it because of ignorance. While I am very excited about documenting our story through blogs I am also a little weary of doing so because I don't want to be judged by anyone. I know most people would say that Jess and I are too young to have a child or that we haven't been together long enough, you would have to know us and know the love that we have for one another to understand. The connection that Jess and I have is one that is unexplainable. I will never be able to put into words what she means to me. I know without a doubt that I am going to spend the rest of my life with her. We moved to Savannah in December to start our "fairy tale". We fought hard for our fairy tale and we were persistent through all of the trials and tribulations and we made it.

When Jess and I figure out that we want something the first thing we do is research everything there is to know about it so that we are educated in every possible way on the subject. We have started doing this with the process of AI. I'm not going to lie about it, it has been overwhelming to say the least. There are so many things to consider and ideas to toy around with. I'm sure everyone at first feels a little overwhelmed with the process. However, Jess and I both know in our hearts this is what we want and we are going to fight for it with all that we have. Now the first thing was figured out for us. We knew Jess was going to carry the baby and give birth, because I cannot do so due to health issues when I was younger. I have always wanted to be able to go through the experience of being pregnant and having a child grow in me but it wasn't in the cards for me and I am very glad that I will be able to be there every step with Jess.

We are still in the gather your information stage where we are reading blogs of people who have been through it, researching sperm banks, talking over details. I will admit I think we were both a little naive when we first thought about having a child. We both assumed it always happened on the first try (crazy I know), we quickly learned differently. So now we are just trying to get our ducks in a row and figure all of this information out.

♥Heather

In The Beginning

So...To fully capture our mindset, and our story, Heather and I decided to first chronicle how we met and our story thus far.

I apologize now for the length my blogs may reach...I am an author and I cannot resist telling our love story to all the detail words can allow.

It all began that August day 2006. I was running late to my 11:00 class simply because parking sucked, but that's not the important stuff... I walked in to class and the only person I really noticed was the beautiful young woman in the middle of the first row...right behind the teacher's desk. The seat beside her was open and I was automatically drawn to sit there. I felt that I could relate to her and that there was a connection there even though I had yet to introduce myself. The teacher was paying no mind to me or so I thought so I introduced myself...Well...Sorta...I said Hey. She was taken aback by my forwardness; however, she replied a cool and collected "Hi..." I introduced myself and she in return introduced herself, but she looked to the teacher as though begging for some relief from the crazy girl sitting next to her.

As class continued, my thoughts kept straying from the lecture to the girl sitting beside me. I wanted to know everything about her and I just had to be close. I was secretly excited when the professor informed us the seats we were in at that moment was our "assigned seats" at least so he could know who we were. Over the first week or so, Heather and I made small talk and slowly began branching into actual conversation. We'd walk out of class together and continue our conversation a little, but nothing really major (at least for our friendship status) until the storm. It wasn't a big storm or even really bad...Just rain, wind, thunder and lightning...you know the normal...

Except...

I extended an offer to drive her to her apartment across campus. She accepted. I felt as though she and I were on a date...or something. It felt so surreal... especially because I was beginning to realize that I liked Heather as in...LIKED... I had never actually liked a girl before and I was struggling with the idea of homosexuality. I was raised in a pretty open family, but I never thought that feelings of homosexuality would be something I would be experiencing. I have since accepted who I am, but I'll get to that point. That first drive to her apartment was filled with conversation as our class periods so often were. I extended my offer to include every day of that class and our relationship went truly from acquaintances to friends to best friends in a matter of weeks. Soon we were inseparable. We talked about everything from why the sky was blue and not green to our past to our futures. We talked each other through the drama of being young.

I remember I started to feel more and more comfortable with the idea of me as a homosexual or at least bi and on many occasions shied away from telling her my feelings. I knew she had been with girls before, and that she was trying to get over one, so I figured not now. We held our friendship true till our class ended and I was no longer able to be in her presence everyday. We'd still text and call but eventually we drifted apart by the hurtles of time and space. I knew I still thought about her often wondering where her dreams had taken of her and if by some chance of the heart she too was thinking of me.

After years of silence bearing the hole in my heart, fate would have that she instant messaged me in November 2008. It seemed as though we picked up right where we left off and although we were in separate states (nearly 6 hours apart) we were best friends again. We talked each other out of smoking, bad relationships and stupid mistakes. We shared our joy and happiness, our heartache and wonder. We reminded each other of the glory of happiness and the beauty in just being ourselves. From piercings to hurdles, we overcame everything together, linked by a computer and a phone.

I remember approaching Valentines Day 2009 and dreading the loneliness it brought. Heather and I both decided to dress in all black that day in respect for the singles out there. After work that night, Heather and I were texting per our normal and she asked if she could call. She said she had something she needed to talk about but didn't want it to be as impersonal as a text or instant message. So she called. I could tell she was nervous so I told her whatever it was we'd get through it. She took a deep breath and went into this beautiful speech about how she thought she was falling for someone but they could never be together. She left out all names and genders but I quickly caught on to the fact she was talking about me. At the end of her speech she asked a simple question, "Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?" My response? "Yea, and just to let you know I'm in the same boat. You're not alone."

With that our relationship began to grow from best friends into something more. March 13th, we decided to allow ourselves to be natural. Whether that would bring us together or tear us apart we didn't know at the time. We've had our share of trials and tribulations but at the end of the day the one thing keeping us going was each other. Long distance was hard, trying, and taxing at times, but working for our dreams kept us going. After 5 1/2 months, I finally jumped at the chance to see her and be with her for just a simple weekend. That weekend was amazing as were the memories we made. I realized while I was cuddling with Heather for the first time ever that this is what home felt like. I had no worries, no other thought, just her and I together. We decided then and there that we were going to try and move together.

We researched our decision and decided Savannah was a good place for the both of us. We set out to make Savannah our home. In early December I moved down and began the search for an apartment and truly a place to call our home. Heather happened across an add for our apartment and things just fell into place. I was able to welcome Heather into our apartment late December and we've made it our home ever since.

We never really considered having kids as a lesbian couple for a couple of reasons, but mainly we didn't think it was fair. Recently, we've had a change of heart. We've decided we want to bring a child into the world and raise her/him to the best of our ability. We want a family, and we have started to enact on building us our own. We've started researching every possibility as thoroughly as possible and hope we can make our family dreams come true. She is my family and I am hers. We are excited about the possibility of making our family expand to include a child.

Well...We're going to bed now.

We will write more later.

Jess