The good and the Bad

Heather here... So our new dog is in heat...ALREADY! Poor girl. She is so adorable though. She loves stealing Jess's spot beside me on the couch. Every time Jess moves to do something Bella moves over and curls up beside me and looks at Jess like "ha-ha I got your spot" Its too cute! Bad news about my nanny... Her kidneys are starting to shut down. They are sending her to a kidney specialist to see what our options are but the heart doctor didn't seem to think there was much we could do. She is so strong in all of this. She worries more about me worrying about her then she does about herself. Our trip is getting closer and closer, just 20 days away and I am so excited! Jess has been amazing through everything. I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with lately. I have been so down and just blah, that I often don't even feel like talking and Jess, well she is just amazing and she understands it even though she hasn't been there personally she sees the connection between me and my nanny, so even when I don't feel like talking she supports me. I have been going through this, well I don't know what you would call it, but I feel like the walls close in on me sometime and its like I cant breath and I cant stand for anyone or anything to touch me and at first when I pulled away from Jess, she didn't understand and I think it hurt her but I tried to explain where I was coming from and she was okay with it. My family all seems to be "worried" about me, that I'm not dealing well, and blah blah blah, but I don't see how I could be taking it any better. I don't understand how they are so okay with it. They keep telling me she is 82 and she has lived a long life, yes that's true but I think she should have 100 more years ahead of her and while I know its not physically possible my heart doesn't. It doesn't comprehend a world without her. I know I should cherish and be thankful for every moment that I have with her and I am...I guess I am just selfish and I want more. I hate that every time the phone rings I freak out and if I call her and she doesn't answer I cry and am scared senseless til I get her to answer. I don't know how to make that feeling go away. Any Ideas?